Who says that emotional cheating is cheating, is wrong.
Rarely, emotional cheating can be a reason to end a marriage. This does not make it wrong. This doesn’t even make it bad.
But then, why is emotional cheating so deeply hated and considered dangerous for romantic couples and spouses?
Everybody agrees it’s a red flag
Everybody agrees it’s a red flag. No doubt about it. If you smell emotional cheating, you should take action, and in particular stop and reflect about the status of your relationship.
The problem with the mainstream relationship support (marriage counselors, therapists, magazines, love coaches) approach this topic in a way that has the effect only of adding fuel to fire.
Picture this:
- your husband is talking with a female coworker in a platonic way (hence, emotional cheating);
- your counselor tells you it’s wrong (because of the word cheating) and he should apologize;
- your husband feels accused of cheating, while he’s resisting the temptation
- your husband resents you.
Basically, before you suspected your husband was disrespecting you; now you made him mad at you.
And in the example, we envisioned a married man interacting with a female individual. But the definition of emotional cheating (or emotional affair) includes also texting.
Right, what is the definition, in the first place?
Definition of emotional affair
Other than minor nuances, the consensus exist on the definition:
Emotional involvement with a person of the opposite sex (to make it more inclusive, I would change this: of the partner’s same sex) other than the romantic partner without sexual intercourse.
If you haven’t noticed the shaky logic of this definition, I don’t blame you. Let me help you.
The definition of affair, according to Collins Dictionary, is a sexual relationship between two people who are not married to each other. An affair without sexual relationship is an oxymoron. The emotional involvement blah blah should not have been called emotional cheating or affair in the first place, because it’s semantically incorrect, but also because is misleading, as it gives a bad connotation. Besides if two people in a romantic relationship are not married and decide to have sex, is that an affair? Things to go better if we dissect emotional cheating definition
In any case, even if we have demonstrated the expression emotional cheating it’s an oxymoron, we will and we must accept it. In fact linguistics science teach us that an expression becomes part of the language when a significant portion of the speakers uses it, even if it seems inaccurate. It’s like strawberry, which is not a berry [in fact it is an aggregate accessory fruit, check the Wikipedia]. I digress.
I don’t want to defend emotional involvement with somebody who is not your wife or husband, but I won’t treat it in the same way as cheating.
How emotional cheating look like
Many times, when this terms is thrown around by spouses or by girl-friends, the situation that involves the other spouse in a normal innocuous social or job interaction between to human being, that triggers the jealousy or the frustration of an insecure person.
Some experts give more context to the definition in one or both of the following ways:
- A person talking about matters that should be shared with their spouse only, and or
- An attachment, or emotional affection, for a person that is not your spouse.
According to this logic, therapists and some doctors, whom you tell personal stuff that your wife should know and maybe knows, are emotional prostitutes (because they entertain an emotional relationship for money).
Or, if you have a bond with your mom, and you are a husband, you are emotional cheating your wife with your mom.
When is emotional cheating bad
A trusting, sincere relationship with somebody, which is not the typical workplace talk and emailing relationship, or is not just a small-talk buddy time-killer conversation, is to be watched carefully, by either member of the couple, but without jumping to quick conclusions.
In fact, if you or your spouse is in the situation that they feel the need to talk about personal or marital stuff to someone outside of the household, it’s not because the person is a cheater, but because communication, or more precisely, listening is lacking in the marriage.
In conclusion, if you suspect your husband is emotionally cheating on you, instead of accusing him of it (which he might not even understand, and if he does, could see the oxymoronic and the moronic nature of the accusation), take some time to reflect if he was trying to tell you something and you tried to minimize, invalidate, or shutting him down.
